I’m finding two very similar social problems that I don’t know how to deal with, and if there’s anything you can say about it please do.
The first is the type of situation where the memories you make today ruin the good ones from long ago. Take for example a friend today who has made a mess of their life, and their toxic relationship with you now ruins the image of good times you used to have. Sure you had fun back in college, or that project you worked together on back at your part time job, but realistically there’s nothing that bonds you together now. You’re differently people. The only thing that keeps you ‘in touch’ is that social spider web of cell numbers, Facebook, Blogs, or the occasional run-in around town). You feel you’re moving on in life, and they are holding you back, to live in the past. It’s not intentional, it’s just a byproduct of staying in contact throughout the change. I know that to be true but I’m finding people I used to know so well that I don’t know at all. My perceptions of who they are, is being crowded out by who they’ve become and with some of them, I don’t like the change.
How do you know it’s time to let go? Maybe the person hasn’t made a mess of their life, but you’re still not able to connect like you used to. You simply have nothing in common anymore.
That leads me to my next problem, those so-called “relationships” that have decayed to the point where you haven’t spoken in months or years, and even when you did know them the bond felt hollow. You may have taken a class for one semester together, or briefly worked on the same team at your job. Maybe even a mission buddy that you’ve fallen out of touch with. Either way it’s just not the same. Should you fall out of touch so that the memories become sweeter? Or keep ‘em in your cell phone, “just in case” you decide to call one day out of the blue?
I simply cannot care that much, about so many people. It’s impossible. think I’m crazy? Try it. Get out a piece of paper and outline a list of every social ‘circle’ you can think of, be it Work, Family, College, High School, Mission, whatever. Now list the names of EVERYONE you can think of associated with that circle. Just a first or last name will do. Obviously there’s more than a few names of people we haven’t spoken to in years. I don’t know about you but there’s many I try to keep in touch with but it’s just not working. We’ve outgrown the relationship yet I haven’t mentally moved on past it. It’s hard, prioritizing who you want to spend your time with, or thinking about.
Both problems likely come from the same source. Society today teaches us to have relationships that are a mile wide and an inch deep. We’re as the sower, who, instead of cultivating crops in a specific area and watching them grow to maturity, instead scatters seeds wherever we may and returns randomly to check on the progress. No one plant is nourished and growth overall is limited. Ok ok, sorry to get all philosophical on ya, geez. But still it’s true, we try to make a million new friends without having deepened friendship with any one of them. In my opinion one of two things is happening, either the new associates are distracting us from furthering our contact with our old friends, or our old ‘friends’ are keeping us from spending time with the new ones.
I have a lot of numbers in my cell phone, at least a hundred friends on Facebook, and who knows how many people reading my blog, but yet I feel very distant from everyone except my wife and family right now. my perceptions may be off but in society today it feels like most everyone is living in the past, talking about how ‘good it’s been’ instead of how good it could be. Few people I know look forward to the future, branch out, try new hobbies, and reinvent themselves so that there’s new life to our relationship. And if they have, they just don’t talk about it. At least not with me.
In my opinion Staci and I are doing very well at making plans, and carrying them through. We’re advancing in our jobs, moving forward in school (with her graduation in May), going on vacations, gaining new hobbies, and overall moving forward in life. We just don’t have friends to do it with. in social circles if we’re not talking TV, (which we don’t have/want), we don’t talk. It’s hard for family to relate to us as well, because they’re all in a different stage of life, and our current friends just can’t (or don’t) connect. I know distance and time are factors, but in a world more connected than ever I’m finding sad excuses.
*** Not meant to offend anyone / please comment (even anonymously if necessary) ***
4 comments:
First, welcome to married life!! You're realizing what most of us married people had to learn the hard way: things change when you get married. Your social circles just aren't the same. It becomes difficult to hang out with single people anymore. Our first year was spent with very few friends. I only kept my closest, best friends and added a few casual friends from church. When we moved to LA we learned to make "couple" friends where we both like both people which makes it easy to hang out with them in groups. Plus, married friends understand us and our current situations in life, and generally have more to talk about than TV.
Second, I would advise you to cut out anything in your life that you're holding onto just for the sake of guilt. It's something I'm TRYING to do too, especially in relationships. I have one high school friend that I love as a person but we don't have anything in common. We talk once a year on the phone and send messages a few times a year on Facebook. No guilt. Another high school friend I realized I just don't even like, at all! So I declined her facebook friend request and don't really care if I keep in touch with her. Not a judgement, just want to use my limited time with people I really love, appreciate and am inspired by.
I keep in close contact with three BEST friends, four sets of couple friends, one work friend, and family. The rest of my relationships are casual and not as deep.
Sorry, too much to say on the topic!! Your analogy about planting seeds was GREAT. :)
PS--I LOVE how you're using proper capitalization and punctuation in your posts now. It makes this teacher happy! :P
I think you are just going through the first of many "mid-life" crises. I felt like I needed to be friends with everyone I met in High School/College, and made it a point to remember everyones names and numbers. When I got married, I lost touch and felt guilty. Then I realized HEY, there are two sides to this coin. They could call me too. So I looked at it from the perspective of when is the last time they reached out to me? Of course for some of these people I knew they were going through personal problems and didn't have time to talk, but when we talked we were still as close as ever. The others, I struggled to keep casual conversation with, and let them slip away.
My cell phone still has 42 realtor phone numbers, lending officers, etc. But, I have room for them so I don't worry about it. I am going to store them all on Address Book in their own catagory, and if I ever need them again, I know where to find them (and it's not on my cell phone).
Don't be a recluse, but if you are struggling to keep in contact with someone, and they aren't doing their best to keep in contact with you, let it go and realize there are 6 BILLION people out there, its hard to be a friend to everyone.
Is that why you never call?!
Ha ha just kidding... Don't stress about friends. It's great to hear from people in the past but you're going to move on, that's life and it keeps getting better.
Keeping friendships can be helpful never knowing when someone you knew plays an important part in your future, so don't forget everybody completely just work on enjoying where you are now.
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